


Red Robin: Gourmet Burgers and Brews

by Sohotthateveryonedied



Category: Batman (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: Brotherhood, Brothers, Gen, Good Sibling Duke Thomas, Humor, Lawsuits, Red Robin, Tim Drake is Red Robin, and by "good sibling" i mean he teases his brother because that is in fact what good siblings do
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:48:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26011402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sohotthateveryonedied/pseuds/Sohotthateveryonedied
Summary: Tim gets sued by a burger joint.
Relationships: Tim Drake & Duke Thomas, Tim Drake & Jason Todd
Comments: 15
Kudos: 353





	Red Robin: Gourmet Burgers and Brews

**Author's Note:**

> This is absolute nonsense. I'm so sorry.

“I can’t believe this.”  
  
“You had it coming, man.”  
  
“I can’t _believe_ this.”   
  
“You got cocky. It happens.” Duke shrugs. “This is just the universe’s way of reminding you that the laws of society don’t cease to apply when you’re a trust fund baby who’s also the CEO of a billion-dollar company.”  
  
“But they don’t even know any of that! I could be poor for all they know.”  
  
“A poor guy with state-of-the-art equipment and weapons.”  
  
“Maybe I got it at the Salvation Army,” Tim says. “They don’t know me, they don’t know my life.”  
  
“How did you even get this?” Duke asks, picking up the thin pile of documents to look them over again. “I’m guessing they didn’t mail it here.”  
  
Tim sighs, pillowing his head on his arms where they rest on the tabletop. “A pizza guy delivered it to me while I was patrolling in the east district. Looked scared out of his mind when he talked to me.”  
  
“This is why I do the Tony Stark thing and never let people hand me things. Keeps you out of legal trouble.” Duke takes the document on top of the stack and starts folding it into an airplane.  
  
Tim frowns. “I thought his reason was a trauma thing.”  
  
“Whatever, I have trauma too. Like watching you freak out over getting served between ass-kickings. It’s terrifying.”  
  
“What’s going on?” Bruce asks as he enters the kitchen. He charts a path straight for the freezer, taking out a carton of his favorite banana ice cream—the devil of all ice creams. It’s an insult just to have it in the house.  
  
“Tim’s getting sued by Red Robin,” Duke says with glee. Tim drops his chin on the table in misery.  
  
“But...you’re Red Robin. Is this for some identity-protection scandal?”  
  
“Nope,” Tim says. He pushes the legal documents across the table. Bruce picks them up curiously. “The restaurant is suing me for violating their copyright restrictions. Apparently they got offended that I borrowed their name, even though I’m _technically_ not the one who came up with the idea of Red Robin in the first place.”  
  
Bruce’s eyebrows raise as he peruses the details of the lawsuit. “Wow. They’re serious about this.”  
  
“Yep.”  
  
“Are you going to fight it?”  
  
Tim shrugs. “I mean, I have to, right? I can’t just come up with a new name and costume design willy-nilly. Plus, I _just_ started getting recognized as Red Robin. No more being called ‘the new guy’ in newspaper headlines. I can’t just give that up.”  
  
“For the record,” Duke says, holding up a finger, “I called this months ago.”  
  
“You did _not.”_  
  
“Oh, yeah? Ask Jason. I bet him fifty bucks three months ago that the Red Robin chain would sue your ass before the new year. Perfect timing, too. I can use the money to fix my Signal-cycle.”  
  
“You need to stop calling it that.”  
  
“I will never stop calling it that.”  
  
“I’m sure you can work this out with the company’s board,” Bruce says. “The Wayne Foundation can donate a few thousand dollars to their Gotham branch or something. Easy fix.”  
  
Tim rolls his eyes. “Oh, yeah, because they’ll never question why Bruce Wayne of all people is trying to solve a vigilante’s problems with money.”  
  
Bruce shrugs. “Well, I tried.” He goes to the silverware drawer for a spoon, effectively abandoning his son’s crisis.  
  
Duke folds another paper into a lopsided crane that, if anything, looks more like a demented pterodactyl. “You could always sell out and endorse them.”  
  
“What does that even mean?”  
  
“You know, buy a few burgers. Do a commercial or two. Get their logo printed on your cape. Advertising goes a long way in the world of business.”  
  
Tim snorts. “Yeah, like I’ll just go and turn my vigilante career into an advertising platform. I don’t even _eat_ at Red Robin.”  
  
“Doesn’t seem like you have much of a choice,” Bruce chimes in, eating his disgusting banana ice cream straight out of the carton. “Unless you want to figure out a new identity and color scheme.”  
  
“Hm.” Tim strokes his chin, as if he has any hope of ever growing a beard. Maybe it is time I get an original _nom de plume._ I’ve been riding Jason’s coattail my whole life, first with Robin and now Red Robin. I should do something original for once.” He squints in thought. “Like...the Goose. I can wear a white costume with a feathered cape. It’ll be cool, like ABBA.”  
  
Duke makes a face. “That’s an image I’ll never get out of my head.”  
  
“Or I could do a dragon theme, like a dark green color scheme with scaly leather boots. And a tail!”  
  
“Do you want me to vomit? Is that your goal here?”  
  
Tim throws a balled-up napkin at him. “Fuck off, it’s a good idea.”  
  
“Because all of Gotham wants to watch you parade around in scaly leather kinkwear.”  
  
“Why not? Bruce does it.”  
  
“I’m leaving this conversation now,” Bruce announces. “Good luck with your legal troubles, Tim.”   
  
“I’ve got it!” Tim says after he’s gone, snapping his fingers. “Drake!”  
  
“Drake?”  
  
 _“Drake._ It’s perfect.”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“It’s too obvious.”  
  
“Which is precisely _why_ it’s perfect. No one will suspect a thing.”  
  
Duke can’t believe that he ever thought Tim was the smart one. _Nobody_ in this family is the smart one; they all share a single brain cell and Barbara has full custody of it. “When people google you, the only results they get will be of the rapper. Is that really what you want your legacy to be?”  
  
“That’s...actually a good point.” Tim clicks his tongue in disappointment. “Damn it.”  
  
“If you call up the Red Robin corporation I’m sure they’ll be _thrilled_ to hear you want to advertise for them,” Duke says. “Just saying.”  
  
“No. No _way._ Mark my words, Duke—I will _never_ sink so low as to publicly endorse a burger joint while taking down criminals. I’m an adult. I have pride. And I can come up with a way to get out of this lawsuit _without_ selling out to capitalism.”  
  
  


* * *

  
  
“Knock it off.”   
  
“Hold still, Timbo. I need to get a good picture of this.”   
  
“It’s not funny.”   
  
“It is  _ very  _ funny. It’s like an early birthday present, just for me.” Jason snaps a few more pictures with his phone, not even trying to be subtle about it. His helmet is off so Tim can properly see his shit-eating grin. “This might just be the best day of my entire life.”   
  
“You’re an ass.”   
  
“And you’re a dork with a gourmet burgers and brews logo on your back. You’re in no position to be judging anyone.”   
  
“It’s only for a month,” Tim reminds him. “All I have to do is patrol with this every night and eat at the restaurant in costume once a week. Then I’m free.”   
  
Jason laughs. “Yeah, I’m  _ definitely  _ sending this to the entire superhero community. They are going to lose their fucking minds.”   
  
“You wouldn’t dare.” Tim lunges for the phone, but Jason is half a foot taller and keeps it just out of reach.   
  
“Too late, it’s already sent.”   
  
“I hate you.”   
  
“Fine, fine, I’ll make it up to you. How about we get dinner, on me?” Jason’s grin widens. “Say...at Red Robin?”   
  
“Choke on shit and  _ die.” _

**Author's Note:**

> [Feel free to mosey on down to my Tumblr!](http://sohotthateveryonedied.tumblr.com/)


End file.
